So this is Christmas...

As for having a stress free holiday, I would give myself a C. I made an effort, but it didn't exactly work out. There were of course many bright spots:

• The boys and I put together a gingerbread house and I didn't make a single suggestion about which candy to use where (see proof in the pic, the gingerbread bears all had 3 eyes).
• Kyle made bracelets for me, his teacher, my mom and my sister. He did spend lots of time and really seemed to enjoy it. He also helped me with wrapping, picking out the paper, coloring the to/from tags, adding bows. This was a little hard, I love to wrap presents, I can get lost in the matching paper and bows and ribbons, I have been know to pick presents based on size so I have more wrapping options, but of course, having Kyle involved and so into the process is more important and I did save a couple to wrap all for myself. He was also very into the nativity set and moving Mary and Joseph close each day and into the stable last night, then finding Baby Jesus in the stable this morning. His other big holiday project was his new found passion, a magic show. He bought a book with his own money a few weeks ago. He gets frustrated with the fact that it's not as easy as it looks on tv and that you have to practice, but he has gotten a few tricks down and performed them for the family while Jason was finishing dinner. I think my sister was actually surprised on at least on instance.
• Ryan ate sweat potatoes with some degree of enthusiasm at dinner tonight. This was really the best present I could have hoped for, I have been so worried about his appetite and starting solids. Hopefully it will continue. We also took Ryan to church this morning for only the 2nd time (the first being his baptism). We have been taking turns to keep Ryan away from crowds, but Christmas morning is actually pretty sparse, so we decided it would be ok just this one time. We so seldom feel like a family of 5, I appreciate it when we get a chance. I am not overly religious, but I love going to church on Christmas morning, dressing the boys up, seeing the nativity, singing the songs and all 3 boys were so well behaved this year, Ryan actually fell asleep on Jason's shoulder.
• My sister and I went together and got mom Celine Dion tickets and she was so excited.
• Grant is so grumpy it is actually cute. The only thing he wanted was "Thomas going down the waterfall" which is basically a plastic train track with a motorized Thomas. Since we started the wooden set when Kyle was 2, it has grown quite large, so adding this plastic set made no sense from a practical standpoint, but he wanted it and it wasn't very expensive, so in it came from Santa's sleigh. He did love it, but refuses to let us put batteries in Thomas, so it is essentially the same as what we have. We ask to put in batteries, and he just says "No, Thomas is fine". His absolute favorite toy is the toy racetrack Santa brought for Ryan, he was so patient waiting for Ryan to wake up from his nap before opening.
• Jason gave me a new sewing machine to replace the one I have been borrowing from my Mom that is older then me. Now just to find the time for a new project.
• I had some time off. It seems December has been a busy month for me the last few years, and it was nice to be off this year. I took advantage and still used my daycare/Mom on Tuesday and was able to get the house clean (with Jason's help) and presents wrapped. This went a long way towards making things less stressful. I am still so tired though. I am hoping I read this someday when I am 60 and remember what is is like for my kids when their kids are small, not that my family doesn't help, they do and they are great, but I just want to make sure I remember why having help is so nice and offer it if I am able.
• I also used my time off last week to take the boys sledding while my mom was watching Ryan. It was the perfect day, snow, but no wind so it wasn't cold and we had fun, but their differences in personality were so apparent. Grant loved every second, sliding down the hill and saying "Can I do that again, mom?" and pulling his sled back up with no complaints. Kyle had fun to, but it was always like, maybe if we go down that hill or use this sled or stack the sleds on top of each other it will be even better. By the end I am yelling, "Just sled down the hill and have fun". Kind of defeats the purpose, but we did have fun.

As for the stress, I think it is just a feeling of guilt that the boys have so much. I think I just use the holidays as an excuse to buy things they semi-need (e.g character pjs, they may need pjs, but they don't need Thomas and Batman PJs) or things I want them to have like books and Leapster Games and stuff that is a "good deal" (e.g. half price moon sand). It all just adds up to too much, especially paired with the grandparent gifts and gifts we exchange with cousins. I know I need to cut back for their sake, but just can't seem to make myself. Maybe the rule next year will be shopping only with Jason.

Other then the overshopping on my part, we have so much to be thankful for this Christmas and we really did try to enjoy and make the most of it. Jason did cookes with the boys on Christmas Eve as always and we made our usual jokes about "this is not supposed to be fun, it is supposed to be efficient" when the boys just wanted to cut out cookies any which way. I can't believe Ryan will be walking and eating real food next year, he'll probably also refuse to sit in pictures or let me dress him up in a santa hat.

6 Month Check Up and Pictures

Ryan had his 6 month checkup this week and as you can tell by the pic, he was a very healthy 17 lbs 9 oz (50%) and was 27.5 inches long (85%). His lungs were clear despite a little congestion and his noisy breathing has almost completely resolved. As expected, the doctor was very unconcerned about my concern for his low appetite and complete rejection of any and all solid food. The medical student making rounds with him that day who appeared to me to be about 12 suggested I create a more positive atmosphere when introducing solids. Ok, thanks, I'm sure that's it. I don't even want them to "do" anything about his appetite, just humor me and say that it could be related to his surgery and like everything else, just needs time. Also, when I asked about getting a flu shot since he was officially 6 months old, he said he wasn't that concerned because the rest of us did get the shot and he was already getting 3 pokes. Ok, to a heart mom, 4 pokes is nothing and you were very concerned when we opted to follow our cardiologist's advice to forgo the RSV shots, but a $30 flu shot isn't "worth it"? Needless to say, a new ped is in our future, I have a couple of great recommendations from a friend whose baby has a "complicated" history as well. I am just so not the type to go around changing doctors and I really have no complaints about the care he has received. I believe his is a really good doctor, but this is obviously not working for me. Ugh.

Since Ryan's 6 month birthday fell during December, I didn't want to take him to a busy, germy portrait studio, so I tried to set up a little studio in my hallway, next to the front door for light, which I would have liked to have had a little more of. I was in the office taking pictures and the FedEx guy delivered a package and I'm sure he thought, "What is this naked baby doing setting by himself in the hallway". I had a little heater out so he didn't cold and he loves it when I get out the camera. He smiles so easily. He is probably like, hey, mom is actually looking at me and paying attention to me instead of just schlepping me around on her hip.

6 Months Old!

Ryan is 6 months old today and I didn't even take his picture.  I guess he is now officially a third child.  He has his 6 month check up next week and I am already dreading it.  I am just getting more and more worried about his appetite.  I remember how excited I was when he started cereal and seemed to really like it.  It turns out that was the first and last time he seemed to like it, now nothing makes him madder then when we set him in the high chair and have the nerve to try and spoon feed him anything.  I am not worried about his weight, I think it is fine, but only because he likes to nurse when he is tired and as much as I like nursing him now, that is not a long term option.  I just have the feeling that when I bring it up with his pediatrician, Dr. M, he will just blow it off and say he is gaining weight.  I should probably try to find a new doctor, the one I used to see left the practice and I don't dislike the 2 others but I just don't feel like I click with them, they never seem to understand my concerns or questions.  I don't really know what I would want them to do anyways.  We will see, maybe things will get better and I can find something new to worry about.

My Two Wise Men

Since I am the keeper of all things Santa Breakfast, my kids got to have fun with the nativity costumes.  The breakfast went well, it was my first year of being in charge and I am happy to report there were no major problems, amazing given that I had a huge work deadline and was living on very little sleep.  Mom brought the boys later, along with Ashlie and Lilly and they had a good time.  Grant whispered "I want to see Santa" and he never whispers.  When asked what he wanted, he said "I don't know".  At 6, Kyle is still prefers to avoid Santa, but reluctantly makes the obligatory visit.  I really missed having Ryan and Jason there, but we are trying to keep Ryan healthy by avoiding big crowds.   It was just hard with so many other families and babies there.  This time next year, he will be Lilly's age and walking and this will all seem like a distant memory.  With the breakfast and the work deadline behind me (well almost behind me) I am determined to have a stress free holiday.  The kids are certainly ready.  We did the tree this weekend.  With the addition of new desks in my office we now have zero space for the tree.  We finally settled on moving the 1000 lb bookshelf that Jason made into our bedroom so the stress free holiday did not get off to the best start.  As usual, Grant felt like we had opened a box of new toys to play with.  We started putting my Hallmark Classic Car ornaments up on a shelf and when I came back he said, "Mom, look what he (Jason) did".  His class started making presents today.  When I dropped him off (I haven't done that lately, he usually goes with Mom since I have been busy with work) he said to his teacher "Hi, Miss Regina, this is my friend, Mom, we came in the CRV car".   Always good for a laugh.

Sitting Up, Eating Up and Spitting Up

I guess the title pretty much says it all for this post. We started feeding Ryan cereal at some point last week and much to my surprise, he took to it like a little bird. I remember with the other boys, it was so hard at first, they would just let it run back out of their months or bite the spoon and not let me have it back. But Ryan figured out what it was and couldn't get enough. This is good, because the one thing I have continued to worry about (ok, not the one thing, more like the one of a thousand things) is his appetite, which I don't perceive to be anywhere near what the older boys had. He can go completely through the night, 12 hours and wake up ready for the day, not screaming an looking for food. He seems to be growing and is happy, so I haven't risked a weigh in at the pediatrician's office, but I just worry that his little body isn't telling him what he needs. Like I said, he seems fine otherwise, he is even sitting up on his own. It's always hard to tell exactly when to call this milestone, he is still a little wobbly, but getting better every day. He continues to amaze me, hitting the milestones thus far at the same time or even early then his brothers. Unbelievable when you think he spent his first 2 months on his back, with no tummy time and less then ideal 02 sats for most of it. He has obviously moved past it all, I just wish I could say the same. I still find myself dwelling on the whole experience. I just can't seem to get it out of my mind. I met a new mom the other day and I told myself before hand that I wasn't going to mention his heart or the hospital time, but every thing we talked about made me think of it in some way or another and although I almost made it, I ended up cracking at the very end. This sounds very cliche, like a bad country song, but it's like his heart is fixed and I don't know if mine will ever be the same. In other goings on, Grant has apparently developed his first crush. We were watching, wait for it, Star Wars and a scene with Padme (the beautiful ex-queen now senator from Naboo) came on and he started giggling, then walked up and kissed the TV screen. We all just about lost it.

Hard Lessons to Learn

As someone who never imagined being the mother of 3, I have to say things go pretty well 90% of the time. But the thing is, when things start to go bad, they go way bad and they go quick. We don't often leave the house during the week, I want to keep Ryan away from crowds and germs and I usually spend my 2 non-working days on laundry and other house stuff, but Friday something got into me and I decided to go to Paradise Park and like I said, things went surprisingly well. Ryan watched the boys, then fell asleep and the boys played well together and with some other kids that were there, until the end where Ryan woke up screaming, Kyle realized he left his jacket and had a melt down and Grant just went flying out the door and across the parking lot. Things didn't improve once when we got home to a house littered with toys and a 3 year old refusing to help pick up. We said if he was two tired to pick up, he was to tired to watch our Friday night movie which didn't phase him until the movie started at which point he started to scream. I was trying to feed Ryan and reiterate to him that he wasn't watching the movie while tying the belt of Kyle's Anakin Skywalker costume (the movie was Clone Wars which he had been excited about seeing all week, I felt bad that the experience was less the ideal, he kept saying that the didn't care if he had to pick up all the toys himself, to just let Grant come out and watch). I think it's more frustrating because I think about what Ryan went through and how lucky we are and all the blogs and stories I have read of other heart kids that aren't nearly as lucky and I think I should be a different parent, a better parent who appreciates how lucky I am. I guess I at least realize that and while it doesn't keep me from having the bad times, it keeps them from lasting to long. Anyways, the picture was obviously not taken on Friday, but is the first I have mangaged to capture of all 3 of them since Ryan's been off O2. It was kind a warm up for a Christmas card picture.

5 Months!

So the title of this blog is Ryan's Hope and he is very seldom featured anymore which is a shame because he is really an amazing baby.  I hate to say anything to jinx myself, but he is sleeping through the night, actually through the evening night and part of the morning, he usually goes down around 8 and sleeps through until 6.  I was actually worried for awhile, that it could mean something is wrong, but he wakes up happy and is awake and alert for most of the day.   Whenever you lay him down, he immediately rolls over to his tummy and then squirms around.  The only time he holds his feet like in the picture is when he is on the changing table.  Looking at that pic, I realized you can barely see his scar, it has healed really well, very flat and smooth.  The other pic shows him holding his own bottle.  He only takes a bottle a couple of times a week, so I was really surprised to see him doing that so early.   We are all really enjoying our last baby, but I know we are done because it's such a good feeling to move outgrown clothes and gear into the garage sale pile.  Work is picking up for me, I should actually be working now so I am not to tired to enjoy my day at home with the boys tomorrow.